One week you are up, and the next you're down.

     I don't know what it is exactly, or how it started... I just can't seem to find any direction or reason this week.  I just feel like doing absolutely nothing and making it look like I'm doing something so no one becomes concerned... It's a terrible feeling, especially after last week was so seemingly great.  I have had good moments here and there this week, I just seem to keep questioning everything I do, and this insatiable laziness keeps arising... or perhaps it is fear of incompetence.  Amber always thought the people who don't move the world, live life to the fullest, and stop short of their ambitions do so out of laziness rather than fear of failure.  I strongly disagree.  I can't speak for the world of course, but in my case, I think, especially this week, my loss of direction is directly linked to my loss of confidence, which I assume is linked to my failure at capturing the moment with Amir.  I don't even know if there was anything to begin with, or if I had been imagining the whole time.  I keep telling myself to stop dreaming, and yet I could so easily just tell someone, ask someone... and see for myself how realistic my wishes are.  I hate these things.  Maybe I should call Shauli.  He would know what I should do. 
        My komuna definitely knows something is up with me.  They thought I was becoming anorexic yesterday when I didn't really want to eat anything because my stomach really hurt.  So, I ate a lot, and tried to even eat a bunch of sugary, yummy things to make myself happy.  Even now I am drinking tea with sugar! Something I never let myself do! In effort to find some tiny speck of joy in the rough.  Also, they keep bringing him up in random situations, it's dreadful.  I keep thinking, maybe now I'll speak up, maybe now I'll say something, but I can't, I just... I just can't, it could ruin me if they knew.  I have no idea how they'll take it, and that is what scares me.  I guess it is the same as the clothes, but much more personal, because I would be so embarrassed if I read all the signs wrong, and if he is just like that with all girls... both of which I suspect to be true.  Oh, why am I such a hopeless romantic.  Dillydallying with silly daydreams of situations in which he whisks me off my feet and swirls me toward his racing heart...  hopeless. :/