There are times you wish the ground could just swallow you whole.

Last week writing really helped change my perspective on the day, the week, and the rest of the day turned out to be quite happy.  I guess sometimes you just need to think about what it is, and reflect a little bit. 

I organized my own Erev Komuna (Komuna Night).  That was quite momentous.  I got so nervous right before, I felt like none of my ideas would work, that the other Komuna members' ideas were better, and that they wouldn't understand me at all... However, they loved it! I was so excited and happy, and relieved.  I used two of my creative writing class' activities and one from BBYO.  I keep telling myself, everytime I think "I really should have taken more AP's," that creative writing was one of the best life choices I ever made, for numerous reasons, as was Journalism.  Even if I don't end up going there career-wise, I think soul-wise they have affected me positively and educated me to a different side of myself.  Anyway, the activities: First everyone got a piece of paper and wrote their name on it and then we all passed the papers around and wrote nice things about each other (my worries: it's too American because it's so sweet and nice, they loved that and it was so refreshing for them to do something like this, it's too plain or overdone, they had never seen anything like it).  Second, I made them do a quickwrite.  I gave everyone a piece of paper and explained, try to release every thought that is in your head, clear your head onto the paper; everything that happened this week, this day, this month, anything that's been bothering you, good to you, anything at all, just capture a thought and follow it out until it is fully expressed, analyzed and emitted.  (I worried they would just hate this and have nothing to write, or they would talk and I wouldn't be able to control them)  They loved this too! Most were great and really seemed to be getting everything on their mind out, and the few who talked, I took as an opportunity to exercise my authority, it was funny and an able force.  Then I brought out the candle for what BBYO calls Good and Wellfare.  They even took the quickwrite idea a step further by wanting to burn what they wrote.  I can't imagine ever burning a precious journal entry of mine, but I guess it could be therapuetical. Well the Good and Wellfare I was most worried about, because I knew how it worked so well in the past, with JSZ girls, El Al girls, conventions... there was a type of formula, talk about school, boys, friends, family, life... here, we all lived together, we knew so much about each other and yet, as the night unfurled I realized there is always more to find out about someone.  That is why it is so detrimental to judge people, because there is always so much more underneath that is often hidden by layers of scars or issues... so much beauty that rarely gets a hint of open air.  It was a huge success, everyone just opened up a tiny bit more, and I hadn't realized quite how magical it is to be in a completely dark room with only one twinkling candle.  I told them only the one with the candle is technically in the room, and is hypothetically speaking to themselves, to a wall; I hadn't realized how true the feeling was, when you hold the candle you literally cannot see anyone else, and you feel as if you are alone, speaking a monologue of your deepest thoughts.  It is interesting also what people sound like when they are reciting their thoughts rather than speaking to you in a conversational tone, everyone has their own little persona inside their head that is rarely introduced to others, and here we were letting each other in.  It was great, and they told me I shouldn't worry so much, and should share more of myself because really I have so much to offer. 

One week you are up, and the next you're down.

     I don't know what it is exactly, or how it started... I just can't seem to find any direction or reason this week.  I just feel like doing absolutely nothing and making it look like I'm doing something so no one becomes concerned... It's a terrible feeling, especially after last week was so seemingly great.  I have had good moments here and there this week, I just seem to keep questioning everything I do, and this insatiable laziness keeps arising... or perhaps it is fear of incompetence.  Amber always thought the people who don't move the world, live life to the fullest, and stop short of their ambitions do so out of laziness rather than fear of failure.  I strongly disagree.  I can't speak for the world of course, but in my case, I think, especially this week, my loss of direction is directly linked to my loss of confidence, which I assume is linked to my failure at capturing the moment with Amir.  I don't even know if there was anything to begin with, or if I had been imagining the whole time.  I keep telling myself to stop dreaming, and yet I could so easily just tell someone, ask someone... and see for myself how realistic my wishes are.  I hate these things.  Maybe I should call Shauli.  He would know what I should do. 
        My komuna definitely knows something is up with me.  They thought I was becoming anorexic yesterday when I didn't really want to eat anything because my stomach really hurt.  So, I ate a lot, and tried to even eat a bunch of sugary, yummy things to make myself happy.  Even now I am drinking tea with sugar! Something I never let myself do! In effort to find some tiny speck of joy in the rough.  Also, they keep bringing him up in random situations, it's dreadful.  I keep thinking, maybe now I'll speak up, maybe now I'll say something, but I can't, I just... I just can't, it could ruin me if they knew.  I have no idea how they'll take it, and that is what scares me.  I guess it is the same as the clothes, but much more personal, because I would be so embarrassed if I read all the signs wrong, and if he is just like that with all girls... both of which I suspect to be true.  Oh, why am I such a hopeless romantic.  Dillydallying with silly daydreams of situations in which he whisks me off my feet and swirls me toward his racing heart...  hopeless. :/

Love.

I just wanted to say that I really, really enjoyed myself this week.  I loved the komuna feel of life, I loved each and every one of my komuna-mates, and I loved the work that was done.  I felt good, alive, fresh.  I realized what a good choice I made, and for the first time, I really felt glad that this is what I was doing with my time, that I didn't stay home, go to college, choose any other shape or form of a gap year.  I just feel so happy and in love with life right now.  I go running with Omer, or alone, but the place, while not as beautiful as Palo Alto/Los Altos Hills perhaps, has its own sort of beauty and a definite home-y feel to it.  I love what we choose to do in our free time, the dynamics between us and the energy within our relations and speech with one another.  I love it when I think hmmm, I wish I could join them in that crazy Grapefruit fight in the orchards at night, and do.  lol. Ok, so that was a specific instance, but it happened, I loved every minute of it, and it symbolizes both the spontaneity of the group and the newfound boldness with which I see something I want to do and I get up and do it, instead of watching in awe from the wayside.
I feel like they are really beginning to know the real me, and this was proven to me today in a meeting with our new advisor.  We did an activity in which she says a personality trait or komuna position (i.e. "the most artistic", "the most cynical", "the most healthy", etc.)  and we all have to go sit on the chair of the person whom we think fits the category.  I was very happy to find that they thought I was the most artistic, the most green, the most healthy, Liri thought I was the most friendly, or something like that, and there were a few other things I liked to find out... and some I also didn't.  For example, most stylish was Liad, which I agree with, but I commented later that I feel I don't dress as originally and interestingly here as I do at home, or did every day to school last year.  I said something about how I wish I did, but because I wear Khaki so often, and can never really decide what to wear on outings I just end up wearing very simple clothes and it does in some way affect me.  Then the advisor tried to say a few things, maybe because you come from this different American culture... maybe because... both times she failed at capturing what it was, but Amit Yamin kind've got it and then Amit Grebler pinpointed it, I feel unsure of how the komuna will take it, and find it hard to express myself fully.  It suddenly hit me that that is exactly what it is, and was so glad that the Amits got it, and knew or understood how I felt.  It was very refreshing, and I challenged myself to work on it more.  I also admitted that in my own family I am known as sometimes very harsh or mean even, and here I keep such comments to myself.  In my family my mom is often proud of this "sharpness," and I too like to say how I see things many times, and perhaps I can emit a cynical remark or two to set things straight and feel like myself. :)
I went to this seminar that the komuna recommended I go to, about general tzofim things.  It was for one representative from each komuna and I volunteered to go instead of Nitzan, because it sounded interesting.  The people who came I was quite skeptical about at first, but I ended up loving them all - actually all the guys, not so much the two other girls.  Amir was quite flirtatious, but I actually sort've have a miniature crush on him now, and it needs to stop.  lol. Alon was really funny, and I was so glad to finally meet the guy under the dreadlocks and without his gang, so it is really just him.  Assaf was really interesting and sweet. Quedar was sweet and sincere. And that's that.

Back.

Everyone has their own ways of making themselves happy.  Everyone strives to find the ultimate way to run their life.  I make rules, tons of rules, rules upon rules upon rules.   Every once in a while I find myself on vacation or some special occasion, and I tell myself, “this doesn’t count,” as I rip into a luscious, five pound, chocolate cake.   Ok so maybe not to this extreme, but I am often overly generous with the grace period granting.  In any case, Weight Watcher’s (Yes, fine, I admit it, I am a Weight Watcher, unofficially, but completely and fully obediently – for the most part) says there is no such thing as a special occasion, if there were then every day might as well be reason to celebrate and enjoy oneself.  The idea is that while they want you to be able to live, splurge from time to time, and be happy they agree, as do I, that one reaches happy more fully by finding the self-power to resist and eat whatever it is one wants sparingly and within the allotted number of points one is allowed to consume per day. 

I am not crazy – just perhaps overly self-disciplined, which to some is a very admirable trait.  I admire myself many times, and dis-admire at other times.  Other times such as today, when I, still getting over my two week “grace period” and jumping back on the “band wagon”  toward a slim, healthy, superior life. 

The flight was quite dull in comparison to other flights which I thoroughly enjoyed.  I guess flights are not meant to be the highlight of one’s travels.  The movies held were quite lame, and the food was absolutely unbearable (I do not agree that all airplane food is by definition gross, I have had some very delicious airplane food in my life, even in economy, so this time I was very disappointed with US Airways).  Although, I do feel the stewardess’ did an impeccable job.  I was originally seated besides an overweight, Orthodox Jew dressed in seven layers too many, and sweating like a pig.  I grimaced as we took off, and squeezed against my beautiful window.  Just as we reached the final altitude and the plane began to level off, the movie screens blinked blue and people eagerly began experimenting with the touch screen sensation.  Mr. Orthodox however ran into a problem with his purchased headphone set; there was something stuck in the headphone electrical outlet.  He quickly got a hold of a very, very nice, gay steward who was extremely sympathetic, and after an unstinting effort admitted that there was a low chance of getting whatever it was out, and that he would be more than grateful to find a new seating assignment for the man. He was successful, and within seconds I had two lovely seats to myself and was even able to fall asleep, after the first meal and two movies that is. 

I still feel slightly guilty for not saying good-bye to everyone, but I am not a huge fan of good-byes, and perhaps it is them who should be to blame.  They didn’t really take enough interest perhaps.   Oh well…. I have many more months to come to term with this until I see them again.  I feel weirdly content with the way things turned out though.  I got to see mostly everyone whom I wanted to, the important ones more than others… and even if we weren’t extremely bold and adventurous and mainly stayed within the boundaries of Palo Alto, I had a very good time, and feel like that was the ideal way to get the most out of my very brief trip home. 

I miss home already, but I am glad to be back as well, and I already talked to my eager komuna whom misses me dearly, as I truly do miss them.  They are so kind and thoughtful and I can’t believe I ever doubted their capacity as good people. 

I also wanted to mention quickly that I had had an interesting realization to add to my numerous conclusions of the differences between Israelis and Palo Altans.   I think my peers in CA are much more ambitious, have much more defined dreams and directions with which they want to take their lives.  I feel like CA are much more well-rounded and forward-thinking in that aspect, or at least at my age, than Israelis.  I find Israelis at my age to generally all be thinking and aspiring toward the same goals and directions, they all seem to be travelling on the same, well-trodden “path”.  True, they do have the consuming, obstacle of the Army impairing their sight of “the future,” but also, the small, family feel of the culture and community here, does shape most people to be quite similar in behavior and aspirations.  My mom, who grew up in Israel, told me that she sees what I mean and that this is a problem, but has majorly improved since her generation where everyone watched the same, single TV channel, shopped at the same, single clothing store, and ate the same foods.  She also said that while Americans perhaps are geared toward the future earlier in their lives, Israelis reach the point of innovation and self-shaping toward an ideal business solution at a more ripe age and are therefore able to succeed much more quickly and in that way catch up if not overtake the Americans’ progress.  

Day 3

Yesterday was interesting.  It is so weird feeling like a guest at your own home.  And visiting people, whom you haven't seen in 5 months, and knowing you won't be seeing them again for another 7 months... It added up to a tinge of nostalgia twisted with wonder at where you are and have been, where they are and have been, and a sense of missing them already.  It was most rewarding to me to find out which friends I did see or even just talk to and catch up for a bit.  I realized how fascinating and different each of my friends really are, and how much fun it is to see their different paths starting to be etched out towards their unfurling new lives, and that despite all the changes we've been through, and all the time that's passed between us we are still connected through a common love for this or that.  I love to see what connects me to each individual, and I love that it is a different sect of my personality each time.  I used to always envy the TV ideal of a classic "group" whom you do everything with, but now I realize it is so much more fun to have a random array of really close friends whom you love to do very specific things with, and that some overlap and some are completely opposite of one another yet all connect back to my eccentric and wide-spread personality.  

I feel like I've talked about myself way too much, so on to my day.  

I went to speak for the College Panel at Gunn, my old high school, this morning.  At first, I was terribly regretting having committed myself, and fidgeting with nervousness, yet I managed to control myself, and by the time I stepped into the room and saw all the other generous volunteers and various backgrounds each had had, I was more than excited to share my story and urge more students to be brave and take a Gap Year, rather than sticking to the same old, beaten path.  I truly felt proud to share my experiences and my work schedule; I finally remembered why I decided to take a year off, and how good it has been for me.  One other Gap Year graduate talked about how it really helped her separate the work under stress and work under self motivation and disciplined determination to seek what you need to accomplish your goals.  She mentioned a lot of "soul-searching" helped her start her year at Stanford with a lot more self-discipline and a lot more defined of a goal and a purpose.  I realized I feel the same, and I feel like my determination to begin studying and hopefully excelling at Architecture school has become much stronger and more defined.  I also have discovered what I really need to be happy - a good place to run, and perhaps a running partner and certain running goals such as public runs and races; a healthy diet and a disciplined eating/exercise structure; people to talk to that know what I am going through and have similar enough mind sets, and crazy ideas; people that appreciate and respect my crazy ideas; and more I have not yet had the time to think about and define.  I am really glad I did this, and feel refreshed and ready to head back and continue to make progress toward my new and improved self! Or old, more confident, seasoned, realistic, and highly-defined self. :)  

First day!

Wow! Finally! My own blog! I have been wanting one of these for so long, and here I finally did it!  I love productive movements like this--big, positive steps in my life, feels... momentous.  Is that a word?  In any case, I keep remembering my creative writing teacher's echoing voice, "follow the dog, don't think, just write"  so here goes.

    Well I woke up today just like any other day, wondering where the hell my night just went.  I found my best friend, Natoma, next to me and quickly rushed through collage-making and breakfast because, as usual, I over-planned the day and had to hustle to get from one mission to the next.  Once Mother's famous coconut banana raisin oatmeal creation was devoured and the coffee drunk black, I was ready.
      Natoma quickly left the scene as my parents and I donned our hiking gear and set out for my favorite of luscious, green paradises to be found in our own backyard.  My mom repeatedly comments on how lucky we are to live in such a beautiful place, and how it makes travelling quite difficult because wherever we go has such a high bar to  trump.
     This particularly beautiful, windy trail led us through curtains of green in every shape and form.  Dark green ferns danced across arched cliff bellies,  light-teal-green Spanish moss hung like a lace wedding veil on gray, scraggly branches, and furry, bright-green, tufts covered thick, twisted tree stumps and their wandering arms.  Each plant has such a vivid personality, and all together the park emits such an inspiring enigma.  If only I still lived in beautiful Palo Alto/Los Altos Hills/Portola Valley and could come visit these incredible trails on a daily basis...
     We didn't manage to climb all the way up to Skyline, because already my next appointment was lingering too closely.  We practically ran down, my mom with her poor ski injury (she was run over by another mad skiier on her way down a meager green run! assholes), my dad pulled along by my overly hyper goldendoodle dog, and me, doing everything I can to recapture my glorious cross-country days.  Still, after my "quick" shower and "quick" getting ready, choosing an outfit, and organizing my gear, I didn't exactly make it on time to my third day of visiting my old high school, but since I am not an actual student anymore, the only person a tad upset was Ron Ron.
      It was a hilarious trip, filled with nostalgia and good memories, up until our old math teacher commented on my being there for the third day in a row... and noticing that perhaps I did not have a life.  So Ron Ron and I quickly skiddadled away, hopelessly blushing, and indeed agreeing that we needed to begin setting out for a real life.  Although... it is ok to miss your high school teachers every once in a while... is it not?
     Back at Ron's we had some time to kill while the laundry was spinning into oblivion.  So, we decided to be bold and watch some weird, independent films from Comcast On Demand.  Definitely an adventure, not for the weak of heart.  We first chose a quirky, 17-minute piece called Aquarium.  The first scene shows this troubled-looking kid pushing his gorgeous golden retriever off an abandoned pier into the depths of some lake.  Quite a depressing start.  The movie gets weirder as it progresses and this teen, obsessed with cool underwater creatures, mainly fish, decides to go to some Aquarium society meeting.  He happens to meet his neighbor there, who happens to be a cute girl his age, who happens to have a father famous in the fish collector's industry... they hit it off to the best of pick-up lines, "So, I drowned my dog." "Yes, I know."  Classy.
       Then we watched Hard Candy.  Weird, intense, rather an uncomfortable watch, but suspenseful as hell.  (I usually don't say "as hell" but for some reason I feel like writing them.  It sort've adds a Holden Caulfield feel to this entry.)
       We also took pictures of a Stop Sign which we dressed as a flower and watered with a teapot.  Yes. We do have lives.  Thanks for your concern.