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Keren's Philosophy

Keren's philosophy inspired me quite a bit. Love is too often sold off in movies and TV dramas as a cheap accessory many young people spend all their free time looking for and stressing over. Our generation often finds themselves worried they'll never find the right person and that perhaps they need practice before they find the person they want to fall in love with. What irony it is that you get to choose who it is you want to fall in love with. Isn't love supposed to be selfless? Isn't love supposed to be mutual? How do you even know your supposed lover is going to answer to all your needs, and provide you with the best support and care you can find? If you don't know all this then what is it you are basing this choice to fall in love with the person? In fact, you can only choose to become friends with a person, and after friends maybe you can add another layer, and then another, and maybe you can find yourself selflessly thinking of them before yourself and truly caring for them more than anyone else, and that may be something close to love... who knows? In any case, it is not a game, and not a quest. You don't need to try many people to find the right one, you don't need to search for "the right one," you don't need to do anything at all... just be yourself, be happy, be comfortable, know what you want, and everything will fall into place when the time is right and you are ready.
Also, I was really inspired by this movie I saw, "Remember Me." It was all about how you can never know what will happen to you, and you have to live life to the fullest while you have it. Throughout the movie the line "Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is important that you do it" - Gandhi. And at the end the main character added "because no one else will." It was so crazy how much love he felt for his sister, and how he did what he felt was right no matter what the circumstances. How deaths influenced and burned through the characters' souls and caused them to live more fiercefully and more desperately than they could have otherwise. Time is scarce, enjoyment and love are key, the balance is a trick some never manage to find.

I also have been thinking a lot about my reactions to people. When I am in a bad mood I take things very personally and immediately get hurt over tiny things that in a better mood I laugh and crack a joke about. In a bad mood I sit silently in a group and smile occasionally at bits of conversation, while I could be enjoyably taking the lead on a topic of my choice. It is all up to me and my own attitude, which I indeed choose. It is so hard to see the light and find the lighthearted happy side of me whenever I need her, and return to the serious, down-to-business girl when necessary… I often sink into weeks of sadness and can’t seem to crawl out of the pit. I just need to take control of my life at those bits. Find confidence in any shape or form and make something out of nothing. Feel, a lot of times it really helps me to see a powerful movie like that and just feel strongly to remember I can. Talking, about anything just a deep, analytical, thought-proviking chat reminds me what a serious, interesting, fun, motivated, driven girl I can be. I really just need to find the rescue bait and send it down quick whenever I feel myself slipping, because down there it is so hard to get back out. Everything hurts more, sensitivity levels are tripled and laughter is strictly forbidden. Therfore, I must always find the emergency exit, and not hesitate to take matters into my own hands.

Nitzan

"90 miles outside Chicago, can't stop breathing, I don't know how..."
I don't know how to talk to her.  I feel like silence is the safest bet.  The only way to censor how mean I feel.
I hate how "happy" she is all of a sudden.  I mean I don't expect her to hide her happiness, but dear God, please stop looking to us for acceptance or approval - you won't find it.  I hate thinking ad speaking these hideous thoughts out loud.  They don't belong in the beautiful frame of the komuna... shnat sherut... does she know what she is throwing away?  Was it always so bad for her?  Little by little I'm realizing no one liked her.  Even Liad who liked her (I thought) the most said that she (Liad) is a very forgiving person, but could never forgive Nitzan's certain behaviors.  Omer liked her too, I thought, and now he was like, "Wow, she's so annoying."  I don't know if it was like this all year or just now...
I'll never forget one morning when Nitzan was her usual annoying self and Amit Yamin got really annoyed at her.  Both were heated, but Nitzan as usual didn't seem to care that they were fighting, it was below her.  Anyway, she was eating dry Cocoa Puffs cuz there was no more milk and she kept complaining and it was so annoying!  She always says those stupid things that are very obvious and no one cares to hear and are a complete waste of speech.  "Cocoa puffs really don't taste good without milk.  It really adds to have milk.  They are so dry like this.  How do we not have any milk? Eww. I am hungry though."  Jeez, shut the fuck up! We don't need to know every retarded thought that passes through your thick head!  And Amit, trying to reach some conclusion with Nitzan, who so easily wiped the fight out of her mind already, "Everything you say annoys me!" I could have kissed her for so blatantly speaking everyone's mind.  Nitzan, however, couldn't hace cared less, it seemed.  I could have exploded at her ignorance.
Now too, she seems so ignorant that the whole komuna doesn't like or care about her.  Maybe she accepted that long ago, but did she even try to get them to accept her?  I feel like that is more annoying than every aspect of her annoying personality, the carelessness.  She seems to care so little about us and Adis and lots of other things we do together and she cares so much about Izrael, Mickey, and Efrat.  It hurts me to see what she is missing, because I feel like I also didn't feel accepted at first and I also have a few selfish traits, but I made the effort to be a part of the komuna and now I am in love and comfortable with every single one of them.  Before Mickey she just sort of ignored us.  Now she wants to keep her "high" from Mickey by "enjoying" our company.  And she's just dying for us to ask her how it is, cuz she feels on top of the world that he chose her and that they're together.  It's too late though.  None of us cares.  And we'd rather not know.  

Stereotypes and Fallacies

In Israel the stereotypical person is rude, loud and obnoxious.  True, as a surface glance, but deeper down you realize the root of this outlook is that people are just very open and willing to share their opinion with the world.  In fact, in Israel the general attitude is to be heard.  The life conditions here are just so much more intense, and everyone knows just how short and spurious life can be, so the majority know they must live on the edge, live with more ferocity, more courage.  They also are much more unified in this lively attitude with which they pursue life.  It may also appear as greed - there will to extract the best of everything and claim it for themselves.  In truth it is the most honest pursuit of happiness there ever was.  Their vivacity also presents itself in their extraordinary will to lay their opinions on others.  I have found myself many times seeking the help of others, and a few times I didn't even dare ask for it, and I feel I've discovered the contrast between an American's help and an Israeli's.  An American will gladly say "Hello", "How do you do?" and "Nice day, eh?" but when it comes to help they don't want to be held accountable for wrong advice, and will try to escape with "Well I think...," "I'm not quite sure, but...", etc.  Israeli's will go out of their way to help out and prove their knowledge to any passerby.

I got on one of the last busses to Tel Aviv on Friday afternoon (they stop running at around 4:00 pm because of the holy Sabbath day) and had printed out the time schedule and busses running to where I wanted to go.  I was supposed to get off at a random highway junction, but as I asked the bus driver to tell me when we reached that point, she hesitated and asked if I was sure that's where I wanted to be dropped off.  She said those busses might not stop there and then I would be stuck, whereas if I continued to the central bus station there would surely be busses to where I wanted to go, and in the worst case, in which there wouldn't be anymore busses, I could take a monit sherut (a type of public taxi that runs bus routes during the holy sabbath and on other occasions where busses may be less convenient).  The rest of the passengers around me soon joined in to explain which busses go where in Tel Aviv, and how late they usually run on Friday afternoon, and which monit sherut I could take.  They were all so willing to tell me how to make this journey, and I was flattered at their eagerness to help, but still pretty content on the route I had chosen to take. 
      Soon, I realized I had to change my plans anyway and head in a direction I had not planned, and therefore would get off at the central bus station anyway.  The driver announced the junction stop as I'd  requested, and when I told her I wasn't getting off there because my plans had changed she said, "For the better I hope." :) 
      At the central bus station, 10 minutes before 4:00, maximum tension at missing the last bus, and without a clue which bus this was, one of the passengers walked me to the information booth, found out where the bus and the station where and walked me all the way there, all the while counting the minutes to his own final bus, whose station was on the opposite side of the building.  He didn't ask for my name or number, there was no intention of a lasting friendship, just a completely random act of kindness.  It was very heart-warming, it gmh.  :)

Being Meaningful.

Lately I have felt that my work here is so meaningless, that I really don't do anything...  I mean of course, I do, but it really is hard to perform under self-management and no difference between nothing and success but your own judgement.  Of course I can perform, and feel ashamed almost that I am complaining that these are the perameters but... it is difficult to find motivation. 

There are times you wish the ground could just swallow you whole.

Last week writing really helped change my perspective on the day, the week, and the rest of the day turned out to be quite happy.  I guess sometimes you just need to think about what it is, and reflect a little bit. 

I organized my own Erev Komuna (Komuna Night).  That was quite momentous.  I got so nervous right before, I felt like none of my ideas would work, that the other Komuna members' ideas were better, and that they wouldn't understand me at all... However, they loved it! I was so excited and happy, and relieved.  I used two of my creative writing class' activities and one from BBYO.  I keep telling myself, everytime I think "I really should have taken more AP's," that creative writing was one of the best life choices I ever made, for numerous reasons, as was Journalism.  Even if I don't end up going there career-wise, I think soul-wise they have affected me positively and educated me to a different side of myself.  Anyway, the activities: First everyone got a piece of paper and wrote their name on it and then we all passed the papers around and wrote nice things about each other (my worries: it's too American because it's so sweet and nice, they loved that and it was so refreshing for them to do something like this, it's too plain or overdone, they had never seen anything like it).  Second, I made them do a quickwrite.  I gave everyone a piece of paper and explained, try to release every thought that is in your head, clear your head onto the paper; everything that happened this week, this day, this month, anything that's been bothering you, good to you, anything at all, just capture a thought and follow it out until it is fully expressed, analyzed and emitted.  (I worried they would just hate this and have nothing to write, or they would talk and I wouldn't be able to control them)  They loved this too! Most were great and really seemed to be getting everything on their mind out, and the few who talked, I took as an opportunity to exercise my authority, it was funny and an able force.  Then I brought out the candle for what BBYO calls Good and Wellfare.  They even took the quickwrite idea a step further by wanting to burn what they wrote.  I can't imagine ever burning a precious journal entry of mine, but I guess it could be therapuetical. Well the Good and Wellfare I was most worried about, because I knew how it worked so well in the past, with JSZ girls, El Al girls, conventions... there was a type of formula, talk about school, boys, friends, family, life... here, we all lived together, we knew so much about each other and yet, as the night unfurled I realized there is always more to find out about someone.  That is why it is so detrimental to judge people, because there is always so much more underneath that is often hidden by layers of scars or issues... so much beauty that rarely gets a hint of open air.  It was a huge success, everyone just opened up a tiny bit more, and I hadn't realized quite how magical it is to be in a completely dark room with only one twinkling candle.  I told them only the one with the candle is technically in the room, and is hypothetically speaking to themselves, to a wall; I hadn't realized how true the feeling was, when you hold the candle you literally cannot see anyone else, and you feel as if you are alone, speaking a monologue of your deepest thoughts.  It is interesting also what people sound like when they are reciting their thoughts rather than speaking to you in a conversational tone, everyone has their own little persona inside their head that is rarely introduced to others, and here we were letting each other in.  It was great, and they told me I shouldn't worry so much, and should share more of myself because really I have so much to offer. 

One week you are up, and the next you're down.

     I don't know what it is exactly, or how it started... I just can't seem to find any direction or reason this week.  I just feel like doing absolutely nothing and making it look like I'm doing something so no one becomes concerned... It's a terrible feeling, especially after last week was so seemingly great.  I have had good moments here and there this week, I just seem to keep questioning everything I do, and this insatiable laziness keeps arising... or perhaps it is fear of incompetence.  Amber always thought the people who don't move the world, live life to the fullest, and stop short of their ambitions do so out of laziness rather than fear of failure.  I strongly disagree.  I can't speak for the world of course, but in my case, I think, especially this week, my loss of direction is directly linked to my loss of confidence, which I assume is linked to my failure at capturing the moment with Amir.  I don't even know if there was anything to begin with, or if I had been imagining the whole time.  I keep telling myself to stop dreaming, and yet I could so easily just tell someone, ask someone... and see for myself how realistic my wishes are.  I hate these things.  Maybe I should call Shauli.  He would know what I should do. 
        My komuna definitely knows something is up with me.  They thought I was becoming anorexic yesterday when I didn't really want to eat anything because my stomach really hurt.  So, I ate a lot, and tried to even eat a bunch of sugary, yummy things to make myself happy.  Even now I am drinking tea with sugar! Something I never let myself do! In effort to find some tiny speck of joy in the rough.  Also, they keep bringing him up in random situations, it's dreadful.  I keep thinking, maybe now I'll speak up, maybe now I'll say something, but I can't, I just... I just can't, it could ruin me if they knew.  I have no idea how they'll take it, and that is what scares me.  I guess it is the same as the clothes, but much more personal, because I would be so embarrassed if I read all the signs wrong, and if he is just like that with all girls... both of which I suspect to be true.  Oh, why am I such a hopeless romantic.  Dillydallying with silly daydreams of situations in which he whisks me off my feet and swirls me toward his racing heart...  hopeless. :/