Thursday, June 10, 2010
Keren's Philosophy
Keren's philosophy inspired me quite a bit. Love is too often sold off in movies and TV dramas as a cheap accessory many young people spend all their free time looking for and stressing over. Our generation often finds themselves worried they'll never find the right person and that perhaps they need practice before they find the person they want to fall in love with. What irony it is that you get to choose who it is you want to fall in love with. Isn't love supposed to be selfless? Isn't love supposed to be mutual? How do you even know your supposed lover is going to answer to all your needs, and provide you with the best support and care you can find? If you don't know all this then what is it you are basing this choice to fall in love with the person? In fact, you can only choose to become friends with a person, and after friends maybe you can add another layer, and then another, and maybe you can find yourself selflessly thinking of them before yourself and truly caring for them more than anyone else, and that may be something close to love... who knows? In any case, it is not a game, and not a quest. You don't need to try many people to find the right one, you don't need to search for "the right one," you don't need to do anything at all... just be yourself, be happy, be comfortable, know what you want, and everything will fall into place when the time is right and you are ready.
Also, I was really inspired by this movie I saw, "Remember Me." It was all about how you can never know what will happen to you, and you have to live life to the fullest while you have it. Throughout the movie the line "Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is important that you do it" - Gandhi. And at the end the main character added "because no one else will." It was so crazy how much love he felt for his sister, and how he did what he felt was right no matter what the circumstances. How deaths influenced and burned through the characters' souls and caused them to live more fiercefully and more desperately than they could have otherwise. Time is scarce, enjoyment and love are key, the balance is a trick some never manage to find.
I also have been thinking a lot about my reactions to people. When I am in a bad mood I take things very personally and immediately get hurt over tiny things that in a better mood I laugh and crack a joke about. In a bad mood I sit silently in a group and smile occasionally at bits of conversation, while I could be enjoyably taking the lead on a topic of my choice. It is all up to me and my own attitude, which I indeed choose. It is so hard to see the light and find the lighthearted happy side of me whenever I need her, and return to the serious, down-to-business girl when necessary… I often sink into weeks of sadness and can’t seem to crawl out of the pit. I just need to take control of my life at those bits. Find confidence in any shape or form and make something out of nothing. Feel, a lot of times it really helps me to see a powerful movie like that and just feel strongly to remember I can. Talking, about anything just a deep, analytical, thought-proviking chat reminds me what a serious, interesting, fun, motivated, driven girl I can be. I really just need to find the rescue bait and send it down quick whenever I feel myself slipping, because down there it is so hard to get back out. Everything hurts more, sensitivity levels are tripled and laughter is strictly forbidden. Therfore, I must always find the emergency exit, and not hesitate to take matters into my own hands.
Also, I was really inspired by this movie I saw, "Remember Me." It was all about how you can never know what will happen to you, and you have to live life to the fullest while you have it. Throughout the movie the line "Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is important that you do it" - Gandhi. And at the end the main character added "because no one else will." It was so crazy how much love he felt for his sister, and how he did what he felt was right no matter what the circumstances. How deaths influenced and burned through the characters' souls and caused them to live more fiercefully and more desperately than they could have otherwise. Time is scarce, enjoyment and love are key, the balance is a trick some never manage to find.
I also have been thinking a lot about my reactions to people. When I am in a bad mood I take things very personally and immediately get hurt over tiny things that in a better mood I laugh and crack a joke about. In a bad mood I sit silently in a group and smile occasionally at bits of conversation, while I could be enjoyably taking the lead on a topic of my choice. It is all up to me and my own attitude, which I indeed choose. It is so hard to see the light and find the lighthearted happy side of me whenever I need her, and return to the serious, down-to-business girl when necessary… I often sink into weeks of sadness and can’t seem to crawl out of the pit. I just need to take control of my life at those bits. Find confidence in any shape or form and make something out of nothing. Feel, a lot of times it really helps me to see a powerful movie like that and just feel strongly to remember I can. Talking, about anything just a deep, analytical, thought-proviking chat reminds me what a serious, interesting, fun, motivated, driven girl I can be. I really just need to find the rescue bait and send it down quick whenever I feel myself slipping, because down there it is so hard to get back out. Everything hurts more, sensitivity levels are tripled and laughter is strictly forbidden. Therfore, I must always find the emergency exit, and not hesitate to take matters into my own hands.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Nitzan
"90 miles outside Chicago, can't stop breathing, I don't know how..."
I don't know how to talk to her. I feel like silence is the safest bet. The only way to censor how mean I feel.
I hate how "happy" she is all of a sudden. I mean I don't expect her to hide her happiness, but dear God, please stop looking to us for acceptance or approval - you won't find it. I hate thinking ad speaking these hideous thoughts out loud. They don't belong in the beautiful frame of the komuna... shnat sherut... does she know what she is throwing away? Was it always so bad for her? Little by little I'm realizing no one liked her. Even Liad who liked her (I thought) the most said that she (Liad) is a very forgiving person, but could never forgive Nitzan's certain behaviors. Omer liked her too, I thought, and now he was like, "Wow, she's so annoying." I don't know if it was like this all year or just now...
I'll never forget one morning when Nitzan was her usual annoying self and Amit Yamin got really annoyed at her. Both were heated, but Nitzan as usual didn't seem to care that they were fighting, it was below her. Anyway, she was eating dry Cocoa Puffs cuz there was no more milk and she kept complaining and it was so annoying! She always says those stupid things that are very obvious and no one cares to hear and are a complete waste of speech. "Cocoa puffs really don't taste good without milk. It really adds to have milk. They are so dry like this. How do we not have any milk? Eww. I am hungry though." Jeez, shut the fuck up! We don't need to know every retarded thought that passes through your thick head! And Amit, trying to reach some conclusion with Nitzan, who so easily wiped the fight out of her mind already, "Everything you say annoys me!" I could have kissed her for so blatantly speaking everyone's mind. Nitzan, however, couldn't hace cared less, it seemed. I could have exploded at her ignorance.
Now too, she seems so ignorant that the whole komuna doesn't like or care about her. Maybe she accepted that long ago, but did she even try to get them to accept her? I feel like that is more annoying than every aspect of her annoying personality, the carelessness. She seems to care so little about us and Adis and lots of other things we do together and she cares so much about Izrael, Mickey, and Efrat. It hurts me to see what she is missing, because I feel like I also didn't feel accepted at first and I also have a few selfish traits, but I made the effort to be a part of the komuna and now I am in love and comfortable with every single one of them. Before Mickey she just sort of ignored us. Now she wants to keep her "high" from Mickey by "enjoying" our company. And she's just dying for us to ask her how it is, cuz she feels on top of the world that he chose her and that they're together. It's too late though. None of us cares. And we'd rather not know.
I don't know how to talk to her. I feel like silence is the safest bet. The only way to censor how mean I feel.
I hate how "happy" she is all of a sudden. I mean I don't expect her to hide her happiness, but dear God, please stop looking to us for acceptance or approval - you won't find it. I hate thinking ad speaking these hideous thoughts out loud. They don't belong in the beautiful frame of the komuna... shnat sherut... does she know what she is throwing away? Was it always so bad for her? Little by little I'm realizing no one liked her. Even Liad who liked her (I thought) the most said that she (Liad) is a very forgiving person, but could never forgive Nitzan's certain behaviors. Omer liked her too, I thought, and now he was like, "Wow, she's so annoying." I don't know if it was like this all year or just now...
I'll never forget one morning when Nitzan was her usual annoying self and Amit Yamin got really annoyed at her. Both were heated, but Nitzan as usual didn't seem to care that they were fighting, it was below her. Anyway, she was eating dry Cocoa Puffs cuz there was no more milk and she kept complaining and it was so annoying! She always says those stupid things that are very obvious and no one cares to hear and are a complete waste of speech. "Cocoa puffs really don't taste good without milk. It really adds to have milk. They are so dry like this. How do we not have any milk? Eww. I am hungry though." Jeez, shut the fuck up! We don't need to know every retarded thought that passes through your thick head! And Amit, trying to reach some conclusion with Nitzan, who so easily wiped the fight out of her mind already, "Everything you say annoys me!" I could have kissed her for so blatantly speaking everyone's mind. Nitzan, however, couldn't hace cared less, it seemed. I could have exploded at her ignorance.
Now too, she seems so ignorant that the whole komuna doesn't like or care about her. Maybe she accepted that long ago, but did she even try to get them to accept her? I feel like that is more annoying than every aspect of her annoying personality, the carelessness. She seems to care so little about us and Adis and lots of other things we do together and she cares so much about Izrael, Mickey, and Efrat. It hurts me to see what she is missing, because I feel like I also didn't feel accepted at first and I also have a few selfish traits, but I made the effort to be a part of the komuna and now I am in love and comfortable with every single one of them. Before Mickey she just sort of ignored us. Now she wants to keep her "high" from Mickey by "enjoying" our company. And she's just dying for us to ask her how it is, cuz she feels on top of the world that he chose her and that they're together. It's too late though. None of us cares. And we'd rather not know.
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