Nitzan

"90 miles outside Chicago, can't stop breathing, I don't know how..."
I don't know how to talk to her.  I feel like silence is the safest bet.  The only way to censor how mean I feel.
I hate how "happy" she is all of a sudden.  I mean I don't expect her to hide her happiness, but dear God, please stop looking to us for acceptance or approval - you won't find it.  I hate thinking ad speaking these hideous thoughts out loud.  They don't belong in the beautiful frame of the komuna... shnat sherut... does she know what she is throwing away?  Was it always so bad for her?  Little by little I'm realizing no one liked her.  Even Liad who liked her (I thought) the most said that she (Liad) is a very forgiving person, but could never forgive Nitzan's certain behaviors.  Omer liked her too, I thought, and now he was like, "Wow, she's so annoying."  I don't know if it was like this all year or just now...
I'll never forget one morning when Nitzan was her usual annoying self and Amit Yamin got really annoyed at her.  Both were heated, but Nitzan as usual didn't seem to care that they were fighting, it was below her.  Anyway, she was eating dry Cocoa Puffs cuz there was no more milk and she kept complaining and it was so annoying!  She always says those stupid things that are very obvious and no one cares to hear and are a complete waste of speech.  "Cocoa puffs really don't taste good without milk.  It really adds to have milk.  They are so dry like this.  How do we not have any milk? Eww. I am hungry though."  Jeez, shut the fuck up! We don't need to know every retarded thought that passes through your thick head!  And Amit, trying to reach some conclusion with Nitzan, who so easily wiped the fight out of her mind already, "Everything you say annoys me!" I could have kissed her for so blatantly speaking everyone's mind.  Nitzan, however, couldn't hace cared less, it seemed.  I could have exploded at her ignorance.
Now too, she seems so ignorant that the whole komuna doesn't like or care about her.  Maybe she accepted that long ago, but did she even try to get them to accept her?  I feel like that is more annoying than every aspect of her annoying personality, the carelessness.  She seems to care so little about us and Adis and lots of other things we do together and she cares so much about Izrael, Mickey, and Efrat.  It hurts me to see what she is missing, because I feel like I also didn't feel accepted at first and I also have a few selfish traits, but I made the effort to be a part of the komuna and now I am in love and comfortable with every single one of them.  Before Mickey she just sort of ignored us.  Now she wants to keep her "high" from Mickey by "enjoying" our company.  And she's just dying for us to ask her how it is, cuz she feels on top of the world that he chose her and that they're together.  It's too late though.  None of us cares.  And we'd rather not know.